The Church: just simple nuclear physics

Baffled by the weird goings-on within the Church of England? Let there be light! Here's a simple, easy-to-grasp explanation, using just the most elementary subatomic physics Standard Model.

• Cathon: In early theories, originally believed to be the One, True Particle.
• Vaticon: Ground state of all Cathons.

• Proton: Anti-particle of the Cathon.
• Lutheron: Generating function of all Protons.

• Neutrino: Passes through the entire world with no discernible interaction at all.
• Anglicon: Not to be confused with neutrino. See also Schrödinger's Cat(2).

• Higgs: A transubstantial particle that gives Good Mass.
• Particle-wave: A charismatic manifestation in empty space.

• Alpha particle: A fundamentalist particle with high HTB-positive spin.
• Alpha decay: Disintegration of alpha in the presence of any probing interaction.

• Quark(1): six flavours:
  • charmed: Anglo-Catholic celebrant who knows what he is doing
  • strange: Anglo-Catholic celebrant who thinks he knows what he is doing
  • up: high-church
  • down: low-church
  • bottom: (theoretical) what an archbishop should be in the particle table
  • top: (observed) what an archbishop actually is in the particle table

• Harmonic oscillation:
  • Quark(2) (silent k): Provides psalms and hymns, but definitely NOT sonks.
  • Orgon: Concordant binding for quarks(2).
  • Guitark (silent k): Anti-particle of quark(2). The conjunction of quark(2) and guitark can result in mutual annihilation.
  • Chant:
    • Rough singing by football hooligans, characterised by clique-posturing which isolates them from others
    • Ruff singing by full-blown Anglicons, characterised (etc.)
  • Evensong: Odd, non-song service, externally observed by those in the congregation.
  • Psalm: Fundamentally entangled with Chant at Evensong: "Psalm en-chanted evening…"

• Schrödinger's Cat(1): Bad worship band: simultaneously live and dead.
• Schrödinger's Cat(2): An Anglicon property: simultaneously neither Cathon nor Proton. Any given Anglicon's via media state is only determined when actual observation is made.

• Neutron: Fresh Expressions.
• Lepton: A bandwagon for neutrons.

• Meson: Small furry church animals ("the church meson were chased by the church caton").
• Caton: See meson. Not to be confused with Cathon nor Schrödinger's Cat.
• Muon: Audio-frequency sound wave emitted by the church caton.

• Energy sources:
  • Kuppa: Liquid-state energy recovery mechanism for post-Higgs gatherings of particles.
  • Pion: Solid-state accompaniment to the kuppa. Its floor-function decay products become an energy source for church meson.
  • Jelly: Unstable, monochrome. Induces brief, high-energy excitation in those in a juvenile state. Unsuited to long-term sustainability.
  • Evanjellical: (Awaiting a definition.)

• Cloud chamber: Sanctuary after incense malfunction.
• Bubble chamber: Sanctuary after messy-church malfunction.

• Sin: Source of all evil and wickedness.
• Synod: Not to be confused with sin.

• Electron: How PCC members are chosen.
• Anti-electron: How General Synod members are chosen.

• Vocation: A particle surrounded by an unexplained aura.
• Vacation: What a Vocation does from Monday to Saturday.

• Sermon: A rest state for most particles.
• Spin: An attribute of a sermon.
• Boron: A sermon with a long half-life.
• Argon: A boron whose half-life exceeds 60 minutes.

• Deacon: The world has A-list, B-list and C-list particles; the church has D-cons.
• Archdeacon: Exemplary deacon; intrinsically a heavy Vocation.

• Bishon: A superheavy Vocation.
• Chaplon: A Vocation confined in a strange, semi-isolated state.
• Gluon: Strong assymmetric binding force maintaining the entanglement of certain Chaplons with their host Bishon.

• Baryon: As the name implies, eligible to become a Bishon under transformation.
• Sallyon: As the name implies, ineligible to become a Bishon under current legislation.
• Carryon: The unending process to investigate Sallyon/Bishon transformation. Currently under long-term investigation by the LHC Large Heavy Collider (a.k.a. General Synod).

• Reform: A Proton grouping with twofold self-contradiction:
  • resistant to reform
  • despite being a repelling anti-particle of the Cathon, it is fully co-bound with it in original Synod in time-dilation Carryon
• Liberal: An allegedly all-embracing particle yet which illiberally repels all other particles that, by self-reference, it deems illiberal.
• Proton decay:
  • The Reform theory of Anglicon disintegration under the destructive influence of non-reformed particles.
  • The Liberal theory of Anglicon disintegration under the destructive influence of non-liberal particles.

• Exclusion Principle: The inability of certain particle pairs to share the same state; see boson.

• Boson: A particle of opposite theological spin. (See also Reform, Liberal, Exclusion Principle, Carryon, Cathon/Proton, Guitark/Quark, etc.)

• Gauge Boson: Gauge not that ye be not gauged.